It’s been a little over a year, since I wrote about the imbalance I was encountering in my life which led to me to take some drastic steps. I’ve since managed that imbalance quite well, especially since launching Trusted and as Ava’s been blossoming into an “energetic” toddler.
I get pockets of time to reflect on my fatherhood and parental experiences. As many of my friends are entering parenthood, I thought I’d share some of the mistakes I’ve made along the way.
These are my mistakes — things I reflect upon and wish I’d done differently. Your mileage may vary.
1. Not spending enough time with the family the first year of Ava’s life
I wasn’t prepared for the baby as much as I would’ve liked. And as much as I would’ve liked to suggest that my work got in the way of it, in hindsight, I dwelled on my work because I was in denial. Life had changed quite drastically and I was not remotely close to acknowledging the changes. I could’ve bonded with both Ava and my wife, Shreya, in a big way. Instead I buried myself in work and consequently missed out quite a bit.
2. Making assumptions about our roles
I made a lot of unnecessary assumptions early on about who would be responsible for what in the household. The reality was that neither my wife nor I really had these roles and responsibilities charted out well, and unfortunately my wife just ended up picking the slack a good majority of the time. It was unfair to her. And consequently, it was unfair to our daughter. I try to envision my wife juggling a strenuous job, an infant and home affairs.
3. “Helicoptering”
About 6 months ago, we were over at a very close friend’s house where Ava was playing with their daughter, who is about a year older. They were over in another room where we could hear them giggling and playing. And the adults were in the kitchen. I couldn’t help but head over and check in on the girls every 2–3 minutes. At one point, my friend came to me and she said, “STOP IT, Ava will be fine.” I’m not sure what was causing me to do this exactly, but my friend was right, it was unnecessary. She was going to be fine. And the more I would lean in or intervene, the more she would expect me to be there to intervene. Helicoptering is bad. Just ask the Finnish.
I used to do this a lot, but in the last year, I’ve backed off significantly.
4. Overcompensating for sleep early on
Adequate sleep is paramount for children. We were hyper focused on ensuring Ava would get enough sleep and did everything we could to remove any obstacles that could prevent her from sleeping well. Being super light sleepers ourselves, we were worried she might also become a light sleeper. So we overcompensated — setup blackout shades in her room, used a white noise machine (we live in a very noisy area of San Francisco), bought a Dyson Fan to regulate the temperature in her room and basically made her room the coziest sleepiest room you could imagine.
Now, today, we see children sleeping in their strollers or in car seats and wish Ava could sleep like that. Basically, we’ve sort of trained Ava to become a light sleeper. So much so that she is unable to sleep unless it’s pitch dark in her room and without her white noise machine. While she sleeps well at home, she has a tough time sleeping elsewhere.
5. Worrying too much about milestones
After I’d quit my job, the pendulum swung quite dramatically for me. I was quite involved with Ava and at home, but perhaps to a detrimental degree. While it’s prudent to keep tabs on how your child is progressing, obsessing over it is unhealthy. I would (mentally) compare her to other children who were really ahead of the (developmental) curve and worry about it. A visit to the pediatrician would mean getting her stats, and typically she was in the teens in terms of percentile for height and weight (my wife quickly found out that Ava was effectively being measured based on children born in the ’60s in the midwest — using the WHO data, or specifically in our case, data from Indian children, might have been a better way to assess her growth patterns)
6. Analysis / Paralysis
Ava fell sick a lot during her first year of preschool. On average, she would fall sick once a month. A sick toddler is a very challenging human being. And I would spend time obsessing over how she fell sick. I was frustrated and wanted to prevent it from happening again, but the right thing to do would’ve been to focus on helping her get better.
Also, children get hurt. They get exposed to the world we live in, as adults. Things happen. Ava would get a bump on her head, and I would worry about major head trauma. I mean really worry. Unnecessary in hindsight as this worrying is really quite pointless. Much easier to preach than it is to practice.
I remember reading this Quora post on “Why do some not want children”. This particular bit from one of the responses really hit home for me:
Remember the first time you had your heart broken? Remember how you wanted to die and nothing ever hurt that much after? Having something happen to one of your kids is many times worse than that. I am blessed, but I had a scare with one of them, and it was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever been through. If you live a comfortable life where you’re insulated from the highs and lows that come with emotional attachment, having a small human that’s completely dependent on you for survival and loves you more than you could love anything in your adult life might not be for you.
I was (and still am) worried and scared about something that could happen to Ava.
7. Speaking exclusively in English
Between my wife and I, we speak at least 4 languages other than English. But with Ava around, we only spoke English. There have been numerous studies done that talk to the positive cognitive and social effects of bi/multilingualism yet, we didn’t enforce this early on.
I know, it’s not too late…
8. Not introducing new foods early enough
I eat pretty much anything and large quantities of it — my mom will attest to the fact that she could put anything on my plate and I would eat it (read: gourmand). My wife’s palette is more refined (read: gourmet). However, Ava is… a picky eater. She is one of the few children I know who doesn’t eat fruit. She won’t touch it. She can’t even stand the sight of fruit. But the list of foods she won’t eat doesn’t stop with fruit — the list is fairly long. And I have a feeling it’s because I didn’t help expose her to other foods early enough. This isn’t really a big issue to dwell on per se — as long as we feel she is getting the adequate nutrients and she is growing proportionally, we are not concerned (and we do stay on top of that). We love Ava, and we love food — the intersection of the two has become challenging.
9. Not asking for help
The first year was a struggle. I would often meet other parents who would reassure me that it would “get better”. I didn’t care to drill in more or talk to more people who had been there and done that. A friend of mine, Rahul, did offer advice and help but I didn’t reach out quite as much as I should have. In hindsight, again, I was likely in denial — many of my friends were still either sans-children or single at the time. But I’ve realized since that just talking to other parents has been hugely helpful to me. For the last 1.5 years, almost every single Saturday, I take Ava to the local Farmer’s Market. About 50% of the time, we usually meet up with a friend of Ava’s and the friend’s father. Those few hours bonding with another father has been therapeutic for me.
It was after some research during Ava’s first year that I learned about Paternal Postnatal Depression. There isn’t a lot on this topic just yet. But according to the APA, men are far less likely than women to seek help not only for all mental-health problems, but depression in particular. I can tell you that talking to others who were going through what I was going through, helped me a lot, even if we weren’t talking about the issues per se.
10. Boredom
Growing up, I thought my parents intentionally were trying to bore me to death. When I got the opportunity after I left my last gig to spend more time with Ava, I made it a point to engage her in as many things as possible. This has come at a cost, because it is not easy to constantly engage a toddler. And it can be quite taxing on the parents too. And now, studies show that boredom can help children become more self-reliant (granted that article focusses on children over the age of 4). But leaving a little time for Ava and us to just chill and watch some TV, is not the worst thing in the world.
11. Not taking enough time for myself / ourselves
Self-care is critical, I’ve learned. If you’re not able to be yourself, it shows at work, and unfortunately your children will notice it as well. The first year of Ava’s life, I submerged myself in work. The second year, I devoted myself to her. Along the way, I seem to have forgotten about myself and my relationship with my wife. There needs to be a good balance, which is always easier said than done.
Let’s say I were spending 24 hours a day with Ava, but I am not happy because of other circumstances, it is almost detrimental for me to be spending time with her — my mood impacts her tremendously. I’ve largely ignored self-care, and it’s just now, since launching Trusted that my wife and I have been going out more regularly and spending more time with each other.
I’ve made a ton of mistakes, these are just the ones that come to mind. There’s a lot more I can do, to be more present, to be more calm, more collected. I’d like to avoid making more mistakes. Penning this has been therapeutic for me.
Can you relate?
